Progress Report: I’m Getting an F in Motherhood

Nothing is harder than the job of motherhood. You’ve heard this before. But it’s truth is ringing so loudly in my ears right now. Perhaps the most difficult part of the job is the mirror that shines back at me, the amount of self-reflection and judgment turned inward, that comes my way when I see one of my children struggling.

There are health issues unsettled, quirkiness in a child that does not “fit in”, diagnoses that are ignored or not recognized by others, emotional struggles unseen until they pop up in scary ways and then the little things like the fact that a teenager doesn’t know how to do their own laundry (yet) or they forget to use their manners…all these things glare back at us and scream, “FAIL. You suck. You are a horrible mother.”

The work of motherhood is the hardest for the weight it bears on our souls and the cost that it charges to our emotional bank accounts. Unless, of course, you’re perfect, you’ve never made mistakes, and you truly have no flaws…then perhaps you cannot relate with this at all. Then, I say, you and I probably have nothing in common.

I am carrying the heavy burden of a visit from shame, guilt and regret. I feel like I got a progress report in the mail and the teacher told me I’m getting a big fat “F”. The realization, again, is hitting hard that all of my choices have had an impact on my children. There is no way to wipe the board clean, no way to make it go away, no way in my power to erase the pain or heartache that my choices have made on their lives. No greater weight have I ever bared.

As a friend spoke truth to me today, she told me there is no use in focusing on the past now, we can only move forward and as I have heard time and time again in past months, it’s up to me to do the next right thing. And that, I think I am doing, even if it’s with some trepidation.

I am also reminded that there is only one thing, one source I can turn to for real help in this…Jesus, my counselor, my healer, my teacher and comforter. And I ask Him to help me through the muddy waters of parenthood and the pain of regret and poor choices. I ask for forgiveness again and miracles and for complete and total healing, because what else does a mother ask for?

I don’t ask for a just a little bit of the pain to be lessened for my teenager who is struggling with self-worth and what seems like typical teenage angst, no, I ask for it all to be removed, because seeing your child in pain is excruciating. But I also know that a little bit would be a good thing, too. I ask for all of my parenting decisions to be guided with His wisdom, not just some of them, because in all of my efforts to wrap my mind around this parenting thing I can’t bring myself to think that even one decision made by me is any good without some help. I ask for complete renewal of my spirit, even though I’ve asked for it before, because when you feel like you’ve done nothing but screw up, you just want to be made new, again.

How I wish I could have known that the choices I made so young and even ones I made when older would be so profound. But now I know… and I know, too, that “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8.

I can only unleash my love in a way that is promised to cover my sins and help fill my children with the knowledge of their mother’s love and even better, of their father in heaven’s love.

Parenting is hard. Looking in the mirror is tough when you have screwed up, but ignorance sure isn’t bliss. I’m grateful for the opportunity to do things better, to do the next right thing, and to love my children in every way I know how.

Snow Love

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Who. What. When. Where. Why

Abeeliever:

A friend of mine just started a new beauty blog! I’m so excited to learn from her and I think you will be too. She has always stunned me with her natural skills with cosmetics and fashion. Check it out!

Originally posted on Talk Beauty by britt:

Hello my BB’s (Britt’s Beauties) I’m finally doing it! I have been asked on numerous occasions if I went to school to be a makeup artist? What Products do I use? How and when do I apply them? Where do I shop? What are my favs? Am I subscribed to any subscription boxes/bags if so which ones? What was a complete waste of my money and what are my holy grail items? ETC

LOOK NO FURTHER BB’S, you will find all of that here! Join me and I will fill you in on my “beauty secrets” answer any questions you may have and share photos and videos of EVERYTHING! If you have requests or certain products you are curious about please feel free to ask. I’m looking forward to this new journey; learning more and teaching you all that I know and learn along the way!

UPDATE…

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Find Your Spark

Spark

Click on the word “Spark” above.

This is one of the most beautiful videos I’ve seen.

Find your spark. Light it up. Shine. Glow. Live in the moment. Be you. Give yourself grace. Darkness will again be light.

(5) Sparkler

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What It’s Like to Be Alone

So, I’m not really alone alone but I’m enjoying some “alone time” and it’s glorious. I’m sitting in a coffee shop, in the corner, in possibly the most worn out red chair I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The seat cushion might actually be so sunken that it’s creating a vacuum to my rear end, but I could care less. I might as well be at The Ritz. Time alone is a new kind of treasure to me.

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My life is absolutely full in the most wonderful way, but as a mom to five, one of which who lives with severe autism, I think I am on sensory overload most of the time. Even here, the sounds seem a little bit loud, somewhat exaggerated, but it’s a different kind of noise and for that I am grateful. Just for a short while, it’s good to be alone.

I know all the mamas out there can relate, as well as the dads who are constantly “on”, dealing with workplace demands, demands from the home and spouse, the whole big stress of life thing. It’s a whirlwind of noise and going and planning and being and pleasing others and sacrifice and that’s all good. But don’t you know, it’s exhausting, too?

I sit here in a moment of reprieve and I’m so grateful for this kind of alone I’m experiencing. There was a time when I felt alone all the time, not just alone but empty from loneliness. This kind of alone is different. I’ve got God in my heart and the gift of alone time has been given to me by my spouse. It’s a gift like no other when you begin to think the only way to experience quiet is to get up in the middle of the night and creep into a closet or something.

Here, look, look at my perfect pomegranate green iced tea… see how perfect it is? It’s super refreshing, too.

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Seriously, life is in the little things. Life is in the moment when my youngest daughter is throwing my make-up across the room for the 10th time because she truly has no impulse control, life is in the downtrodden Eyeore-ness of my 9 year old son, it’s in the bickering of teenagers and the awkward way they do so many things. And, life is in our alone time, in the quiet. Time to meditate, write, contemplate, pray, worship. This time, alone, is full of life-giving fuel.

My prayer is that you have a moment of alone time, too, today, and you don’t feel lonely, but feel the sense of being in some kind of internal sanctuary as I do now, even if for only a little while.

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Why We’re All Dying To Catch What Kara Has {& giveaway winners}

Abeeliever:

If you haven’t heard about Kara Tippetts and the amazing grace with which she is living life with cancer you will want to read this post, find her blog and book AND find the peace and comfort that’s waiting for you in God’s love shown so wonderfully by her example!

Originally posted on CampClem:

Wow, so many of you poured out love and grace on my post in your comments to Kara Tippetts. Thank you for that. Such grace. Thousands are praying for this dear one and her family.

shine like the starsOh but dear ones, a comment that stood out to me: “Do not doubt for a minute that God is using your story to touch lives.” So.True. And from another comment: Isaiah 55:12, “For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace.” Is it foolish for me to pray like David did (2 Samuel 12:16-23)??

david praying 2 samuelI know David’s suffering was under completely different circumstances, but I will continue to pray and plead for healing for Kara. I rend my clothes and cry out and beg for her life. And if she stays, I will get up and praise God.

And if she goes… I will still get up and…

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