01/19/2012

I Haven’t Forgotten

You may or may not know that I am now working full-time. I am a single parent now and I am living a busy and hectic life. I have fibromyalgia, but I certainly don’t look the picture, if there is one. What I think is amazing is how I have been able to do so much more than I thought I could even a year ago, it truly does feel miraculous… but what I sometimes wonder is “how long can I keep this up?” or sometimes I just selfishly wish people knew that things were hurting and difficult, sometimes I wish people knew that things might be harder for me. But mostly, I am simply grateful.

I was able to rise to the occasion for the most part. I learned to eat healthier, I lost weight, and reaped great rewards. I am now able to provide for my children. I am able to look forward to a future, a future that I really didn’t dream of even one year ago. Things don’t look all rosy, but they look a lot better than I imagined a life with fibromyalgia could ever look! Yet, I still struggle with exhaustion, pain and so many of the challenges that fibromyalgia brings, just usually on a smaller scale than I did before. I haven’t forgotten what it used to be like, I haven’t forgotten at all.

Last weekend I was forced to spend the weekend predominantly at rest. I had been dealing with constant headaches all week that I just could not shake. I felt so awful on Friday night and Saturday I become overwhelmed with emotion… fear and a sense of hopelessness came over me. It felt all too familiar. That sinking feeling in my gut was back, knowing I was unable to play and do with my children what I wanted to be able to do, what they wanted for me to be able to do. So often while coping with fibromyalgia the sense of helplessness and hopelessness has become predominant. The pain has crippled me but my emotions have crippled me just as much. They go hand in hand. Any kind of chronic pain can do this  to you…blatantly,  it can really f*** with your head!

One thing I don’t want to take for granted is the fabulous gift it is to feel better, but also how easily it can all disappear. When I am not taking care of myself as well as I should, when stress levels get too high, and sometimes for no apparent reason, the symptoms return and remind me that I don’t have the same kind of reserves as a lot of other people. I also think so often of the amazing community of fibromyalgia friends and friends with other types of chronic pain who are not experiencing the kind of “reprieve” that I am. I want you to know, I have not forgotten you, what you endure, what you have taught me and what we share. I also have not forgotten what it feels like to be limited by chronic pain, for I still live with limitations, but these limitations happen to be “invisible” now more than ever before.

I haven’t forgotten.

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01/07/2012

Tug of War

Life feels so messy today… like that build up of laundry that somehow multiplied over night into an enormous heap, things sometimes feel insurmountable. I know I am not alone in juggling all of the many things entailed in raising children as a single mother, working full-time, paying bills, buying groceries, doctors appointments, social obligations, etc. All of us cope with these things on some level. I don’t want to play the fibromyalgia and depression cards either. While not everyone copes with those issues, we all have something, don’t we? For some of us it is just more out in the open than others.

There are days and moments when I feel empowered and there are times when I work diligently to assert my confidence into the world. In fact, I work daily to feel the empowerment that comes from knowing who I am. Recently, I have attempted to do this in what I felt was a healthy way, only to feel “shot down” by some people very close to me. This kind of a set-back has me reeling.

I am working to re-establish my sense of self and power that I feel like I somehow lost in some important relationships. I don’t want to feel power over anyone else, just confident in my own. It seems that in order to do that I have to worry less about what others think of me and my decisions. I have to set up boundaries and I must choose to defend them. At the same time, I want to be loving and kind and respect the viewpoints of those I love. I also want only to make solid and healthy choices. This can be a tricky balance.

While I realize I am speaking quite vaguely here, I am hoping that someone will relate to the back and forth, tug-of-war if you will, between asserting your independence and self-confidence and the reaction from people with whom you are in relationships… family, friends, significant others, etc; meanwhile working hard to make the right choices and hoping that those you love can love you enough to allow you to learn from your own choices, rather than try too hard to protect you from them. And it sure can be difficult to know, at times, what the healthiest choices are! Wouldn’t it be great if all decisions were as obvious as picking fresh vegetables over french fries?

Seeking that inner knowledge and the guidance from God right now to lead me in the healthiest directions, to carry me when I am unsure and to lift me up when I need it most… and I wish the same for you.

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12/07/2011

Hello Good Friend

Butterfly Sunday

Image by Big Grey Mare via Flickr

It has been so long since I have written, I am unsure of whether or not to even try… I am unsure of who I will write for anymore. I suppose, as it all began, I am writing for me.

My absence has felt so long, but all the while I have thought of my blog like a good friend that I let down by disappearing into the whirlwind of this life. I have thought of you, my readers, I have thought of myself, the pieces of me that I left here open, breathing, sometimes seeming lifeless but always still alive in my words. I have wondered if I could ever return, for what I feel like I have been facing these last few months seems more than I can reveal to the world, feels more secret than any of the secrets I have shared here before.

Writing is me and by beginning to write again I am coming back into myself, something long overdue. When I stopped writing, coincidentally, it was at the same time my life began to twist and turn and warp itself into something I never imagined it could become.  And here I am now, striving to reclaim the me that I was, the me that I am to become, all that I am and all that I can be.

Like what occurs at the coming of Spring, I am coming back to life. I am pushing myself through the cold hard ground that is beginning to thaw inside me, pushing through the emotional binding I gradually wrapped too tightly around myself these last few months. I hope to burst through these layers soon, to pop out of my cocoon and for my vibrant colors to shine brightly again, to shine with the luster of renewal.

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10/06/2011

Give a Click for Depression Awareness Month

Please join me in welcoming this guest post to Una Vita Bella, for a very important cause that is near and dear to my heart!

Give a Click for Depression Awareness Month

What better time to spread awareness about depression than Depression Awareness Month. October is not just for Halloween anymore. It is also a time to highlight the long arm of depression in our communities.

There are many people who do not recognize the symptoms of depression, or where to find therapeutic resources if they do. The stigma attached to mood disorders is still stronger than our willingness to acknowledge how widespread the problem is. It remains an undiscussed elephant in the room.

Depression awareness will surely be a boon to people aged 65 and older. Although seniors made up 12% of the U.S. population in 2004, they accounted for 16% of deaths by suicide. That was a few years ago, but the numbers haven’t changed much.

Andrew’s Dad

My neighbor, Andrew, told me about his father. He said, “I was getting so angry and impatient with my dad. He’s almost 75 and still pretty fit, but all he did was sit and watch TV day after day. I even bought baseball tickets, and he refused to go; said he was too tired. I couldn’t believe it. My dad loves baseball.”

“That’s when I made an appointment for him to see his doctor. If baseball didn’t get him out of the house, something had to be very wrong. Turned out my dad has depression. Now that he’s on medication, he’s having better days, and putters around in the garden again.” Andrew was upset with himself for thinking his father was ready for assisted living, but that is a mistake even professional health care workers can make.

Though old age has its problems, it is wrong to assume all “strange” behaviors are related to the march of time. This is true for seniors, and those younger than 65. It is vital that people become more alert to signs of depression. The other day I saw Andrew’s father in Andrew’s back yard, playing catch with his grandson. Granddad is still a vital person with much to offer. It was good to see him enjoying life.

How You Can Help

Thank goodness there are people acting to extend the awareness of depression, and you can participate with one mouse click. Help for Depression, an extensive website resource, and a nonprofit called To Write Love On Her Arms, are working together this October, raising money to promote understanding of depression.

Go to the Help for Depression Facebook page and click the ‘Like’ button. For each new ‘Like’ given between October 1st through the 15th, $1.00 is added to their goal of raising $15,000.

Let’s help bring awareness to our schools, places of employment, nursing homes, and to our neighbors around the globe. Please support Depression Awareness Month; tell your friends and family about it.

About the Author

 Jacqueline is a creative writer, published poet, and has an MA in counseling psychology. Her education is backed by 12 years experience as a licensed clinical counselor. 

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08/22/2011

Getting Lost and Getting Found

Sometimes we just lose our way…some of us are a little better at getting lost than others, I think. I would like to think that getting lost is also akin to taking an adventure. Truth is, it doesn’t always feel so adventurous, though. I love adventures… I like to set out on a new experience, voyage or expedition with anticipation and the excitement of a child! Getting lost doesn’t start out with that same kind of curiosity though, in fact, when you get lost, it most often takes you by surprise and leaves you feeling like a child, scared and uncertain.

There are many different scenarios in my life that I can reflect on now and think how I suddenly found myself lost. Like when I developed and was diagnosed with fibromyaglia. My life with fibromyalgia has definitely been a kind of adventure, but not one I intended on and it took a very long time to get past the feeling of being lost, in fact I felt abandoned, adrift in a vast and lonely sea for such a great length of time.

Depression has a way of sneaking up on us, too. Certainly, it is a kind of adventure coming back from the depths of depression, but not an expedition anyone purposefully decides to set out upon. It can be one of those dark and frightful filled experiences that you come out of really grateful to be alive, kind of like a type of horror film, but an adventure none-the-less in retrospect.

I find myself in the midst of a whole new adventure right now, one that started out with the familiar sensation of being lost, and still has me fumbling for my innate ability to discern direction. On any given day I may wake up looking for the excitement in the adventure and then on another I admittedly find myself exhausted, worn out from the trek I had the day before. Instead of a sore body, I sometimes find myself with an aching heart. This new trail has me facing dark shadows in the woods… ones that once I see in the light I can come to terms with, but still scary to confront. It is especially difficult because the obstacles are far too frequently completely unpredictable and purely out of my control.

There are moments of beautiful tranquility and exhilaration, too. For example, tonight, I set out on a simple walk with my dog, expecting the heat and humidity to be cumbersome and for the path to be a bit daunting. Instead, I found myself rejoicing in my ability to freely walk about the trails and sidewalks near my residence, listening to music and at times singing out loud, for the trees and the full bubbling creek, my audience. I wanted for someone to know my sense of freedom and wellness that I was feeling at that moment, so I smiled big at each passerby and sang for the pure joy of the moment.

I may be a bit lost, and floundering at times… but I am still on an adventure. This adventure of life, that sings to me, that sometimes scares me, that excites me and also breaks my heart. I know I’m not alone, we are all making our way through our own adventures, and moments of feeling utterly lost without a map or compass. I find comfort in knowing that you, too, are out there… searching for the better path and sharing it along the way.

P.S. If you are reading this, perhaps you may have noticed my recent absence from blogging. I just want to thank you for reading and staying with me, or for coming back. For anyone who reads my blog, I appreciate you. I appreciate you taking the time to know me and my heart and for simply taking the time to visit. I appreciate you coming back and for sticking it out through the proverbial good times and bad.

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