04/22/2012

Savor It!

 

For several months I have felt, well, um, oppressed. Truly, I have been depressed (at times, even earlier this week, very much so). It has been oppressive and sad and all of the dark things that you think about depression. I don’t know if this weekend is some kind of breakthrough or if it is just a moment of reprieve. Either way, I’ll take it.

I have enjoyed a couple of days of not feeling so heavily weighted by life, more like a couple of days filled with more moments of relief as well as some more moments of motivation, and as I realize this I am over-joyed. I feel some kind of sense of power being restored to me. I am not sure exactly where it is coming from but I just want to be aware and relish these moments of feeling slightly less burdened. And, I want to share it!

The darkness of life that has been haunting me could and has been caused by many different factors, which I don’t want to even discuss in too much depth… what’s important is that something feels like it has lifted a tiny bit. This feeling of taking my power back (from what I do not know) is invigorating.

I read a status update on Facebook not too long ago that referenced something to the effect that most (circumstantial onset of) depression is caused by events or circumstances that impair or damage one’s sense of identity. If I am not mistaken, this was in reference to a story about Mike Wallace and his recent passing. While I battle chronic depression, when I think back on times when depression has struck me hardest, it was in reaction to events or life experiences that have negated or felt to have taken away my sense of identity at the time.

Most recently, I have lost a marriage and my work (both work on a volunteer basis as a health activist and a job as a Community Leader which I so dearly loved). This transition into full-time work outside of the home into a new career has had a lot of growing pains. My identity has been shaken. I prided myself for my work as a health activist… I gained much self-respect through those efforts. I felt empowered. I felt important to those who were affected in some way by my efforts and words. I felt needed, wanted, helpful and confident in what I was doing. Having experienced a forcible thrust into a completely different type of working world and industry, my sense of identity just went by the wayside. It simply did not matter what exactly my efforts were going to be put towards, I needed to work. I needed to support myself and my children.

Now, I am settling into my new life. I have a new job much different from what I did before and a job for which I am incredibly grateful. I can look back and see how shaken I was by this loss of self that I experienced by making this change. I am working my way into accepting new roles and callings. I am finding my way slowly but surely. And I see it clearly now how tragic it felt to me to lose who I was before this. This alone I think would be enough for a person to experience some level of depression.

Another time I experienced a very severe episode of depression was after the onset and diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. I have talked about this topic a lot on this blog. But as anyone knows who lives with a chronic health condition, it was devastating to me. My life felt as if it had no purpose. I was in so much pain. I felt I couldn’t “live” a life with Fibromyalgia. No doubt, my identity was shaken to its core during that period of time.

So back to this weekend…  I took care of some important things. I made a little progress on some projects that needed a lot of my attention. I spent some quality time with my children. I experienced some moments of closeness with my oldest that we needed to experience together. I had some good moments with my youngest that have been a little hard to come by recently and I did not cave in during a very “bad” moment with him that we dealt with on Friday night. I made my kids meals prepared at home, which hasn’t been occurring as frequently as it should, because I haven’t felt well. I am looking back on the last couple days and now I see! A lot of good things (although perhaps small and meaningless to some) have happened and many of them a direct result of choices I made… good choices. I am proud.

I will go to sleep tonight content and delighted with the good that I experienced this weekend. Tomorrow promises to be a challenging day, but I am feeling a bit more confident that my choices in the midst of these challenges will be good ones. That’s a good feeling. I think I will savor it just a little while longer.

If things have been hard for you in some way, I challenge you to take notice of the moments (any moment, short or long) that come by where you experience a reprieve. Take notice and eat it up, soak it in, roll around in it and splash in the joy that comes from experiencing just that moment! Also, feel free to remind me to do so when I forget.   :)

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02/26/2012

Just a Whisper

For the first time, not the first time ever, but for the first time in a very long time, I am afraid to write. I am scared to write about the topics I am most passionate about and scared to expose myself to this big and scary world.

Before now, I was safe as a health activist surrounded by other health activists. I was safe in my blogging community, in the arms of others who lived and wrote about similar topics as I… I was comfortable addressing the challenges of my life with those who understood. I took for granted how easy it was to write and speak out when I was embraced and welcomed by such kind and gentle souls. Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely moments when even in the company of the kindest of audiences I was afraid, a bit apprehensive about exposing my weakest moments (in writing and sometime in voice) to the world. But now, as I see and am reminded of the harshness of the greater public eye, I feel a weight on me heavier than ever before when it comes to exposure.

Working outside the home in an industry outside of health activism has hit me like the cold winter wind in my face. I am reminded of the less forgiving world views that exist about people with illness or mental health issues. I overhear topics of discussion in “the real world” that in my previous lifetime would have inspired many blog posts… but my response as of late has been silence. Inside I feel a resurgence of shame and worry, the “what if they knew” and “what if they found out” voices have resurfaced and stirred. And then an even deeper level of shame rears its ugly head when I realize that I haven’t spoken up… and I have called myself a health activist!

I am reminded and humbled by the thought of the many voices who have shared with me in my time spent blogging that they were unable to write without using a pen name or alias, many unable to write at all out of fear of co-workers, friends and family members finding out about their own personal struggles. I am humbled and grateful for the dear hearts who have shared with me that the fear of the stigma was too great for them, because now, if I had forgotten before, I do understand.

The worst feeling in all of this for me is that I feel that I have somehow lost a part of my identity by not speaking out in these last few months. My role as a blogger and activist gave me great pride and self-fulfillment. Now, I feel a bit shallow and  lost. I want to reclaim my passion and power as an advocate and activist, but I wonder at what cost?

My life has also taken on new challenges as I now am solely responsible for the financial well-being of myself and my two-children, as a single parent and “starting over” there are new stresses that I face daily. My head just isn’t in the same game, as I am now unable to devote the time I would like to towards my blogging and activism efforts. My schedule has changed dramatically. My life has changed dramatically from one year ago.

So here I am, for the first time, in a long time, afraid to share my voice.

At least I can still whisper.

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01/19/2012

I Haven’t Forgotten

You may or may not know that I am now working full-time. I am a single parent now and I am living a busy and hectic life. I have fibromyalgia, but I certainly don’t look the picture, if there is one. What I think is amazing is how I have been able to do so much more than I thought I could even a year ago, it truly does feel miraculous… but what I sometimes wonder is “how long can I keep this up?” or sometimes I just selfishly wish people knew that things were hurting and difficult, sometimes I wish people knew that things might be harder for me. But mostly, I am simply grateful.

I was able to rise to the occasion for the most part. I learned to eat healthier, I lost weight, and reaped great rewards. I am now able to provide for my children. I am able to look forward to a future, a future that I really didn’t dream of even one year ago. Things don’t look all rosy, but they look a lot better than I imagined a life with fibromyalgia could ever look! Yet, I still struggle with exhaustion, pain and so many of the challenges that fibromyalgia brings, just usually on a smaller scale than I did before. I haven’t forgotten what it used to be like, I haven’t forgotten at all.

Last weekend I was forced to spend the weekend predominantly at rest. I had been dealing with constant headaches all week that I just could not shake. I felt so awful on Friday night and Saturday I become overwhelmed with emotion… fear and a sense of hopelessness came over me. It felt all too familiar. That sinking feeling in my gut was back, knowing I was unable to play and do with my children what I wanted to be able to do, what they wanted for me to be able to do. So often while coping with fibromyalgia the sense of helplessness and hopelessness has become predominant. The pain has crippled me but my emotions have crippled me just as much. They go hand in hand. Any kind of chronic pain can do this  to you…blatantly,  it can really f*** with your head!

One thing I don’t want to take for granted is the fabulous gift it is to feel better, but also how easily it can all disappear. When I am not taking care of myself as well as I should, when stress levels get too high, and sometimes for no apparent reason, the symptoms return and remind me that I don’t have the same kind of reserves as a lot of other people. I also think so often of the amazing community of fibromyalgia friends and friends with other types of chronic pain who are not experiencing the kind of “reprieve” that I am. I want you to know, I have not forgotten you, what you endure, what you have taught me and what we share. I also have not forgotten what it feels like to be limited by chronic pain, for I still live with limitations, but these limitations happen to be “invisible” now more than ever before.

I haven’t forgotten.

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01/07/2012

Tug of War

Life feels so messy today… like that build up of laundry that somehow multiplied over night into an enormous heap, things sometimes feel insurmountable. I know I am not alone in juggling all of the many things entailed in raising children as a single mother, working full-time, paying bills, buying groceries, doctors appointments, social obligations, etc. All of us cope with these things on some level. I don’t want to play the fibromyalgia and depression cards either. While not everyone copes with those issues, we all have something, don’t we? For some of us it is just more out in the open than others.

There are days and moments when I feel empowered and there are times when I work diligently to assert my confidence into the world. In fact, I work daily to feel the empowerment that comes from knowing who I am. Recently, I have attempted to do this in what I felt was a healthy way, only to feel “shot down” by some people very close to me. This kind of a set-back has me reeling.

I am working to re-establish my sense of self and power that I feel like I somehow lost in some important relationships. I don’t want to feel power over anyone else, just confident in my own. It seems that in order to do that I have to worry less about what others think of me and my decisions. I have to set up boundaries and I must choose to defend them. At the same time, I want to be loving and kind and respect the viewpoints of those I love. I also want only to make solid and healthy choices. This can be a tricky balance.

While I realize I am speaking quite vaguely here, I am hoping that someone will relate to the back and forth, tug-of-war if you will, between asserting your independence and self-confidence and the reaction from people with whom you are in relationships… family, friends, significant others, etc; meanwhile working hard to make the right choices and hoping that those you love can love you enough to allow you to learn from your own choices, rather than try too hard to protect you from them. And it sure can be difficult to know, at times, what the healthiest choices are! Wouldn’t it be great if all decisions were as obvious as picking fresh vegetables over french fries?

Seeking that inner knowledge and the guidance from God right now to lead me in the healthiest directions, to carry me when I am unsure and to lift me up when I need it most… and I wish the same for you.

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12/07/2011

Hello Good Friend

Butterfly Sunday

Image by Big Grey Mare via Flickr

It has been so long since I have written, I am unsure of whether or not to even try… I am unsure of who I will write for anymore. I suppose, as it all began, I am writing for me.

My absence has felt so long, but all the while I have thought of my blog like a good friend that I let down by disappearing into the whirlwind of this life. I have thought of you, my readers, I have thought of myself, the pieces of me that I left here open, breathing, sometimes seeming lifeless but always still alive in my words. I have wondered if I could ever return, for what I feel like I have been facing these last few months seems more than I can reveal to the world, feels more secret than any of the secrets I have shared here before.

Writing is me and by beginning to write again I am coming back into myself, something long overdue. When I stopped writing, coincidentally, it was at the same time my life began to twist and turn and warp itself into something I never imagined it could become.  And here I am now, striving to reclaim the me that I was, the me that I am to become, all that I am and all that I can be.

Like what occurs at the coming of Spring, I am coming back to life. I am pushing myself through the cold hard ground that is beginning to thaw inside me, pushing through the emotional binding I gradually wrapped too tightly around myself these last few months. I hope to burst through these layers soon, to pop out of my cocoon and for my vibrant colors to shine brightly again, to shine with the luster of renewal.

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