07/04/2011

Stay With Me

I must admit life feels lonely these days. There are moments when the silence and wonder of it all is perfectly peaceful and there are times when it is downright painful. I realize more and more just how much I like companionship. My children are fabulous and most wonderful adventurers in life, but you know, adult companionship just provides an extra level of engagement.

It’s interesting to look back over the years, the times when social anxiety and depression were at its worst and how isolated I would become. Sometimes it wasn’t even completely apparent on the outside, but inside I would be retracted, pulled inside my own mind and gut. On the outside I would smile, on the inside I was a tear-stained face. I became afraid to go to class in college. I didn’t even want to order a pizza on the phone. I grew to be almost afraid of the mall, and I love shopping! (Now I dislike the mall for entirely different reasons… can we ban all aggressive and over-bearing shopping mall kiosk sales people, please?)

I have always been better in one-on-one settings than in groups. It is part of my personality and who I am, but I see how I have improved at socializing and enjoy it more, perhaps again, or perhaps for the first time. It was not unusual for me to completely duck out of social engagements that involved large groups of people in years past, but for the last couple, there is more of an excitement (rather than the previous dread) that surrounds the idea of a social event. I have observed myself branch out in ways that I once never imagined I would be able to do, much less enjoy. It is a significant marker of better emotional health and confidence, it is a sure sign that I have grown and feel better. I embrace this and marvel at it in moments, because the change feels quite dramatic at times.

So, here I am, ready and willing to be more social, but lacking the companionship that would make life so much richer. It can be a by-product of depression, anxiety and the like, to have fewer friendships. I am certain that I have missed out on some connections in years past because of this. The friends I do have are exceptional and truly treasured, but at times my circle feels small. As my world online has expanded exponentially, it’s still challenging to form a new off-line social community for myself when I am a “thirty-something” adult with children, especially since I don’t have a babysitter!

So, the raw truth is that I’m lonely. I am facing new challenges, holding on to hope and looking forward to good things ahead. I am staying strong (most days!) and doing my very best to be the healthiest I can be, but I crave companionship. I admit it. Does that make me a weak woman in the midst of these circumstances? I don’t think so, I think it makes me human and honest.

One of the greatest gifts in life is to know that when you are most afraid or most uncertain you have someone to reach out to, someone who might grab your hand and pull you in for hug. I am so grateful for the handful of people in my life that I can call up late at night if needed;  their gift of friendship, love and support is absolutely priceless. Those friends and family, support online and off, are most treasured to me, so if you’re reading this, please know it.

If you are lonely or need a friend, don’t hesitate to send me a message on Twitter or leave a comment here, and as soon as I am able I will make sure to let you know that you are not alone in this world. Some of the worst moments in my life have been eased and made bearable because of reaching out to a friend online and letting them know that I just need the comfort of knowing I’m not alone. We have to reach out and let others know, it’s the only way to get the comfort that we need.

If you have happened to come here reading, I ask that you stay with me if you’re able. Leave a comment, share your thoughts on experiencing loneliness in times of crisis or in day-to-day life. Have you suffered from the loneliness and isolation that comes from depression or living with chronic illness? If so, how have you coped with it and what eased the ache for you? If you, like me, have come a long way from where you once were, share that with me too. I like to rejoice with others about their triumphs. I am certainly happy to celebrate my little victories and happy to celebrate yours too!

A song that I have come to love recently is called ” Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam. I thought I would share the lyrics and the song with you. Within the lyrics you will find “stay with me” repeated a couple of times as well as the reminder to just breathe. Sometimes that is all we can do, sometimes we have to be reminded to do it! (You know what I mean if you have ever been there.)

Just Breathe

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh
Stay with me
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean
I wonder everyday
as I look upon your face, aw huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean
Nothing you would take everything you gave.
Hold me till I die
Meet you on the other side

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07/01/2011

Finding My Way

I have to admit, I’ve been feeling a little lost recently. Everything has changed in my life, and yet some things remain the same. The need to care for my children, my health and to provide financially are the mainstays, living beautifully while doing it all is my mantra. Since finding out that my main source of income would come to a halt effective June 30th, (not to mention work that I have felt very passionate about) I feel a bit like I am wandering.

I know I am capable of good and great things. I know that the world needs what I can offer, but finding the right fit and an opportunity that will allow me to shine is the trick.

It hasn’t been that long since I told you about a job search I was on, and now I am back at it again. I am happy to say that my previous employer let me go as part of a change in business plans, not because of any personal detriment. I know they are on my side. But it still feels a little lonely out here. Wandering… looking for my way.

My passion for health activism and advocacy, my love of social media and my desire to become a more educated individual all helps me to feel empowered during this time. I believe that my skills and experience will take me somewhere wonderful, but it is challenging to know where to begin the search, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, although I know it is there.

I thought I had things all mapped out. I had obtained a second job, I have been able to work from home. I was working on getting into a groove. Then boom, in an instant, everything changes. That’s the way it works for us all usually. Our lives and journeys take on a whole new direction at a moment’s notice. Just when we think we’ve got it all figured out, right? So, it’s back to the question of how we deal with it.

I’m coping. I’m searching. I am looking for direction. Meanwhile I am looking for ways to enjoy the small moments when I can. I am relishing in the fact that while I don’t feel fabulous every day, I am feeling pretty darn good. Stress is certainly taking it’s toll, but I am, all in all, doing okay. Even in the midst of hardship I have enjoyed some great personal victories. I celebrate those and fully enjoy those moments of feeling good about me.

While I am here looking for my way, managing my health, the health of my children, and keeping a level of “normalcy” in tact, I am completely open to receiving a map, a guide, or even a job offer. So, don’t be shy… feel free to share. (Smile.)

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06/13/2011

Putting Myself to Work: Mental Health Advocacy

It only makes sense to share with you some of my experience at the Mental Health America conference that I just attended in Washington, D.C. but I have to admit a million and one things are swirling through this little head of mine right now. I’ll start with the conference and one of the most valuable opportunities I had and see where it takes me.

Possibly the most important experience I had as a health activist at the conference was the opportunity to visit with state representatives (actually their staff) to discuss important policies regarding mental health. I’ve always had a desire in my heart to take my activism to the politicians, but honestly, I’ve been intimidated. I have the knowledge of the average American when it comes to our political system and sadly, that’s not enough to feel confident to set appointments and feel prepared. But now, after I’ve been exposed, I feel more confident and more passionate than ever to get it together and find a way to get in front of our policy makers.

In our visits on “the hill” I accompanied some very knowledgeable and experienced mental health advocates from Mental Health America. They knew the drill, who to see, what policies and bills needed to be addressed and what needed to be said. I, only the other hand, had the chance to put some personal experience and real life circumstance behind the political talk. I shared my experience with mental health issues, the ways in which these policies would affect or could have effected my life positively if they were in place, and I shared the  need for the implementation of bills that need additional support.

One such policy that we spoke about, among others, is the Mental Health in Schools Act of 2011 (H.R. 751). This bill would expand the availability of school based mental health services for children across the United States. Our children’s mental health is vital to their education and ability to succeed in school. To ignore their mental health is like ignoring their dietary needs, yet sadly, it is still suffers. I was able to share my own personal need for access to mental health services for my children and how our school has not been able to help us at all, leaving my kids in the lurch.

My son is currently in need of help and assessment for symptoms that look like possible ADHD-inattentive type, but really we do not know what is going on. When I have approached the school for help, their answer was, “we have nothing to offer you”. Because of state assistance, my son is finally able to have health insurance, but an appointment with behavioral health is not available until the end of September. The problems and issues have been going on for months and he will have already begun the new school year by the time we get him in for the beginning of the assessment process.

The importance of policies like the one I mentioned above is directly related to the livelihood and health of our children, including mine. Other policies we worked to support affect our soldiers, the general population and again our children.  Unfortunately, without the help of our government, like them or not, these issues cannot be addressed and given the attention they deserve. Financial concerns are greater than ever and unfortunately the first things to go are social services, which cannot be tolerated. Our nation’s health and wellness should be of paramount concern to a government who needs it people in order to come back from a recession and economic downturn such as what we are experiencing.

If I can be of help and support in this process, then I believe it’s important for me to continue to come to the plate, even if I don’t know “exactly” the right ways to do it. I can learn along the way, and guess what, so can you! Check out the information on Mental Health America’s website about the policies we lobbied for and tips on how to do so yourself.

I can think of no greater privilege than to have had this opportunity to advocate for our nation and the mental health issues that we so greatly need addressed.

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06/03/2011

The Finer Things

In the midst of the world of upheaval that I have been in for several weeks now, I finally found myself a moment to take for me, just me. As much as I love to declare the importance of self-care and self-love, it can be really hard to put it into practice. It is especially difficult if it involves spending money.

When times are tough and money is tight, and even when it isn’t, many of us have a hard time spending money on ourselves. I know there are also many who have no problem with this whatsoever, and that is perfectly grand! But for some, when we spend money on ourselves we feel guilty. Especially if we suffer from a chronic illness that does not allow us to be the kind of money-maker that we would like to be or if we are dependent on others for help or support. And if we are caretakers of others, like precious children who are relying on us for all of their needs, that makes the challenge of self-indulgence sometimes feel unbearable. There is a sense that I am robbing my kids of something they may need if I spend money on me.

So let this all preface my most recent adventure.

Night before last I went to Nordstrom. The land where dreams are often made. I wandered around the shoe department and a bit in the handbags. On my exit, I looked up and was greeted by the kindest smile at the Lancome counter. It was the kind of smile that said, it’s okay, I will smile at you even if you aren’t buying anything from me! So, I went over to the counter and asked her (Jennifer) about their mascaras (everyone always raves about their Definicils mascara but I don’t care for it). Our conversation turned and I shared with her that I have been wanting to learn how to better bring attention to and open up my eyes with make-up. She offered kindly to set an appointment with me and for me to even bring in my very own make-up and she would help me work with what I have! (so super sweet) So I did, I set up the appointment and I had my visit with her yesterday.

It was so fun and Jennifer was so sweet. She used a lot of my make-up and she also enhanced the look with some things from their product line, but all in all, she was really into showing me how to do it myself, not about roping me in to spend a ton of money. It was the most fun and least amount of pressure I have ever felt at a make-up counter! I ended up purchasing two things, and she even threw in some free lipstick. I also have to say that I looked quite nice after my time with Jennifer. She was good really good and didn’t load me up with too much!

Feeling good about myself, I went upstairs to the women’s clothing department. I have lost a somewhat significant amount of weight recently and I desperately need some clothes that fit. I had a blast as the girl who was helping me positively doted on me, bringing me things she thought I would look good in and new sizes if I needed them. At one point I started crying with pure joy because I couldn’t believe how all of my hard work and new healthy habits have paid off. I felt really proud of who I saw in the mirror (and I am no super model!). I was having my own little celebration in the dressing room. I wanted to jump up and down and scream, but I thought better of it. I was grinning from ear to ear.

I bought a couple of pieces, but I couldn’t afford to purchase the dress (oh the beautiful dress!) that I really wanted. Even still, the buyer’s remorse and guilt set in almost immediately. “Do I deserve these new clothes, really? Is this really what I should do with my money?” (mind you, I have hardly any clothes left that will stay up around my waist, but I was still feeling undeserving) It was a great reminder of how hard it can be for me to shower myself with the finer things in life. I am pretty much ok with buying myself a top at Target (especially if it’s on clearance!), but when it comes to getting some items from Nordstrom (even off of the fabulous sale rack) I feel guilt, guilt, guilt.

I didn’t allow the guilt to ruin the experience. I am filled with a lot of good and healthy celebratory thoughts. I feel powerful and proud of myself for the accomplishments I’ve made. I’ve decided I am worth being spoiled (in complete moderation) and I am working to accept that I did nothing wrong by rewarding myself, taking care of my need to be clothed, and buying myself a couple of basics that I really do need.

Do you ever have a hard time spoiling yourself in any manner? Do you feel guilty afterwards. I almost always do, and it’s something that I plan to continue working on. Of coarse, when money is an issue, it’s important to keep the rewards and treats realistic and within budget, but as long as that is being done, shouldn’t we feel good about some extra TLC? Do those of us with chronic illness and or mental health issues have an even more difficult time with this or this just about a feeling of self-worth that so many of us contend with?

As a little piece of wisdom:

Go ahead, indulge (within reason and responsibly). We all deserve to treat ourselves like the most wonderful and special people that we are!

Here is a picture of me, after the makeover (remember, make-up only, and several hours later but still feeling pampered!)

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05/29/2011

Am I Oversharing? That’s Okay.

A huge part of who I am and what I write about involves divulging some pretty personal stuff. I’m certain there are people who have read this blog before and thought, “I can’t believe she just told that to the whole online world!” Believe me, there are times I think that too.

I often reflect on this and have to remind myself why I do it.

If telling you about the mental anguish I have experienced or am experiencing makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay. If explaining to you that I have experienced sexual assault makes you feel weird or nervous for me, that’s okay too. You may not like to read that I have been so depressed before that I attempted suicide and guess what, I don’t like it either. It may be really unpleasant to hear about the pain I have endured, you may even think I’m whining. And that is totally okay, too.

For every story I tell, there are thousands of others that are far worse than mine. There are people who have endured and experienced pains like none I can imagine. But there are also people who know experiences much like the ones I have had or are experiencing a trauma or a dark depression for the first time in their life; they may find comfort in what I have to say. Someone may have just received a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and need to know that it can be very hard, but they can live life with it. There are people who know what it is like to live with fibromyalgia and chronic pain who help me by responding to my posts about living with this illness. There are people who stand up and say, we are not alone, all because I share. There are people who just feel comforted, as do I, to know that another person gets what it is like to face the challenges of anxiety, depression, PTSD, self-injury, etc. and for them I write. Even for those who have endured much worse, I write. I write to let them know that they have my support if they choose to speak out. I want them to know that I believe in them and that they can find healing.

Sometimes I ask myself… am I over-sharing? Did you really need to know that I was molested when I was 7 years old by an elderly man? Nope. You may not need to know that, but by putting that out here, maybe, just maybe, someone will say, “Me too, and it really changed me. It really had an effect on me that I can acknowledge now.” Who knows?

For all of these reasons and more I continue to spill it here for you… and for me. It is the best salve for my wounds. It helps me to know I am not alone, it helps me to know that if I can say it out loud then I can move through it and on to the good things in life. If I can share my struggles with you, then I can face them and I can choose to live free of them. Perhaps this is the greatest reason I write, after all, not that many people read this blog!

So it’s okay. It’s okay to over-share. Feel free to join me, there is no judgment here.

 

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